Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
