I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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