I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
