I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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