I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
