If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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