I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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