i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
