ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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