so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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