You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
