I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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