upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
