just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
