You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
