Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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