My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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