I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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