My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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