Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize