It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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