After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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