Have you finally orgasmed yet?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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