Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
