Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
