if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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