Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All the doctor said was why
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
