I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
