it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
