you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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