OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
