thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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