I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
