meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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