You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
as a side note pls kill me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
