I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
