So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
