you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
