so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Help. Why am I so naked?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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