Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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