I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
