I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
