why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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