New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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