i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
