***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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