Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
