if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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