if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
