yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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