i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
