and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
