You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
