My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
