I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
