Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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