Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize