so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
