How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
