Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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