I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
